A month has passed since I started keeping track of these
daily thoughts, my daily ramblings, that I post on Facebook and my blog. I just
look back over the 70 pages of information I’ve typed. Wow! So much can happen
in one month. I won’t ever be able to say that a month took so long to pass for
me – quite the opposite. I feel as if a lifetime has passed in 30 days. I know
there are many who live around me thinking the same thing. On July 1, our lives
were entirely different. For some of us, there is a hole left in our hearts by
those who have left this life permanently. These same people have experienced
other upheavals too – different jobs, changes in living situations, children
going to college, children coming home from college… Frankly, I’m always amazed
by what kind of changes can happen in one month. Although not all changes are
good, I look forward to each one, and the opportunity each change brings.
With that said, I wanted to also address a topic that comes
up quite a bit in memes from my page and many other pages out there. In fact, I
follow a dear lady who hosts a short “Cawfeetawk” video each morning on
Facebook. Look it up if you have time. Jaime is outspoken but very insightful.
We apparently woke up thinking about the same topic today. You aren’t
“entitled” to anything in this world. If you want to be treated a certain way,
you must give that to people. I have noticed over the past 8 months of putting
that thought into action that is has proved to be true. Instead of complaining
about what I don’t have, I’ve practiced gratitude for what I do have. If have
given more sincere compliments than I have over my entire lifetime (maybe
hyperbolic, but I don’t think so, sadly). I’ve given more hugs to my students,
my friends, and my new acquaintances than ever before. I’ve gone into public
forums and written about personal struggles, and what I learned from those
struggles. Some people have walked away from me, and many people have stayed.
Mostly, what I’ve noticed is that the more I give out the type of actions and
words I want to hear, the more I get them back. I think 8 months of practice is
probably a good basis for a habit that I want to keep. But, it’s been difficult
for me, and I’d like to share a little bit of the “why.” Maybe this will ring
true for some of you. Maybe it will help.
I grew up around some people in my family who had bad
experiences with life in general. Those people, because of the trauma they
suffered, began to see the world as a bad place. They also thought that,
because of the suffering, they should get some payback – some acknowledgement
for their suffering. Essentially, they felt they were entitled to certain
behaviors from other people. As a result, I thought for a long time that people
“should” treat me a certain way, and I never related that expected treatment to
my own behavior. I heard a LOT of “should” and “could” for most of my life. I
began to resent people who didn’t act like I thought they “should.” I tell you
what – if you want a recipe for disastrous relationships with friends and
family, keep on thinking they “should” behave in a certain way toward you.
Every time they don’t behave that way, keep track of it, and let them know
about it later on, when you’re really angry. Folks, that’s just not how
relationships work. What does anyone owe us simply because we are alive, and we
are nice people? Of course, I’ve always done nice things for people; that’s
part of the other side on influence from others in my family. But, I reflected
on my actions and realized I was doing things AND expecting something in
return. Based on that, I’ve made some less than wise choices in partnerships in
the past. I began to view my worth as only what I could do for others – they
would only value me if I brought some kind of value to their life. The minute
my “usefulness” was up, I would panic. I would demand. I’m sure I was an
unpleasant person to live with during those times…
Yesterday, I wrote about getting into a silent spot, and
reflecting. That’s what I had to do. At the end of last year, my relationship
was dying a slow, torturous, and masochistic death. It wasn’t good for either
person. Over the summer last year, I sought some help to deal with all the
things I was feeling – I realized I just couldn’t do it on my own anymore. That
was one of the best decisions I ever made. I surrounded myself with positive
thoughts like the ones I post every day. I began to see people respond
differently to me. I began to feel worthy as a person, just as I existed. The
last painful step to transformation was to get out of the relationship that had
begun as transactional, and it ended as transactional. That was what I gave to
it – and I didn’t even get that much back. Had I realized, I would have handled
things differently. That’s the beauty of hindsight! Once freed of the final
major influence in my life – the “I’m entitled to certain treatment,” I was
free to really put into practice what I had been trying to do over the past
year. Does that mean that I’ve got a perfect life now? No. Does that mean I’ve
only met nice people who just want to do whatever I want? NO. I’ve still
managed to meet people that are just looking for what they can get from others
– that’s ok. It’s easier for me to recognize that and pull back some. If I give
what I expect to receive, and the other person doesn’t respond in kind, then I
can feel free to walk away from that person. That person isn’t ready for me
yet. I don’t give the kind of treatment I expect to people looking for a
“return” anymore. I give respect, love, praise, smiles, and if they get
returned, then great. If not, I’ve still done the right thing, and maybe I’ve
helped someone else. I don’t expect anything in return anymore – and that’s the
most freeing feeling a person can have. It’s like taking an LED flashlight into
a basement. I watch those who flock to the light, and I feel pity for those who
scurry from the light. Most sadly, I see some people react to me when they feel
they can’t “pay back” my gestures. I don’t want that. Pay it forward. I’m not
giving because I want something. I give, and I do things for others, because
sometimes that’s just what they need. If I help, then that’s fantastic! I’m in
a position to do that now. I hate that actions are suspect when I’m really just
trying to make the world around me a little bit better. J
What can you do today for someone that you think you’d like
to see done for you? Can you do that for someone without expecting anything in
return? I’ve noticed practicing this principle has drawn many positive people
into my life. It’s changed my perspective. I view people as they are instead of
what I think they “should” be. They are happier, and I’m happier. Putting this
into practice won’t initiate an overnight change, but it will change you. I
challenge you to share this smile today – it’s given to you freely. Give it to
someone else freely. Don’t resent it if he or she doesn’t return the smile. I
believe in you – I see you – I hope you begin to realize your worth as a human
being. You’re worth as you exist as a cohabitant here with the rest of us.
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