The Third Survival Archetype - The Saboteur

Good afternoon! How many smiles have you given out today? Oh? Well, there’s time to give more – get out there and do it! Here’s one for you, just in case you’ve forgotten the feeling of having someone smile at you. Now, take that and pass it on.

So, we’ve read about two of the four “Survival” archetypes – archetypes that exist in all of us, and help us navigate our lives. The third is a pattern called the Saboteur. Yes, that’s the word related to sabotage. A lot of pop psychology talks about self-sabotage. We think to ourselves, “Why in the world would we do something to mess up things for ourselves? Aren’t WE the ones we are most interested in seeing succeed?” True, I agree when my brain says that to me. It seems ridiculous we would do something to cause our lives harm, but, unfortunately, many of our problems are created through our own actions. The good news is that the Saboteur has a positive side, just like all other archetypes.

I looked up the definition of “saboteur” and here’s what I found: “a person who commits sabotage…” Ummmm, thank you, Dictionary. English teachers, just to remind you, there are students who will give up trying to find word meanings when they encounter definitions like this. Chances are, if the student knows “sabotage,” he or she could probably figure out saboteur. If not, well, using it to define another related word really isn’t helpful… I digress. OK, next I go to look up the word “sabotage.” Students who like to get defeated with definitions: this is what you do when the definition has a word you don’t understand. By the way, just because I teach English DOESN’T mean I’m a walking dictionary. I’m horrible at accurately defining words. I can spell, but I’m just going to use synonyms if you ask me for a definition… Sabotage means “the act of destroying or damaging something, deliberately, so it doesn’t work correctly.” An act, on purpose, that messes something up. Sabotage came from the French word sabot, which is used to indicate a wreck or something that’s botched.

If this Saboteur is inside us, working as a symbol, how in the world can it be used to help us if it means that we deliberately mess things up for ourselves? It seems like we’d want to get RID of any sabotage in our lives. That’s true, but understanding that we DO sabotage our circumstances is part of the way to control the things we do to sabotage things around us. Much of the time, we mess things up for ourselves unconsciously – as a result of a traumatic or hurtful event. We withdraw, and promise ourselves we will never, EVER, let someone or something cause us that much pain again. In doing that, we create “monsters,” or images of that which hurt us, and we convince ourselves to perceive anything that closely resembles that which hurt us as “bad.” We avoid “bad.” Yet, deep inside our minds, we know that related things can’t really be exactly like the original hurtful thing, so we create situations in which the related thing ALSO hurts us. That PROVES to ourselves that the RELATED thing hurts us too. We argue with our inner selves in this case, because we’ve been hurt so badly, and we sabotage to convince out inner selves that the related people/things ARE also bad and will hurt us. All of that self-sabotage gives us the excuse to stay behind the “walls” we build up for our protection against more harm. Wacky, huh? Do you think you do that to yourself? Is there someone or something that’s hurt you so badly, you can barely stand to think about it? That is the first area to search to see if you have some tendencies toward self-sabotage.

The negative side of the Saboteur is that it keeps us locked away from the potentially most joyous moments of our lives. It allows our fears to rule us instead of confronting them head on. The shadow Saboteur encourages us toward self-destructive behavior, low self-esteem, and self-harm. Eventually, if we feel badly enough about ourselves and can’t feel better with our self-destruction, we will turn our behavior toward others, causing others harm in an effort to make them feel as badly as we do. This is a vicious cycle, and hard to stop. Of the four survival archetypes, this one’s shadow is easiest for us to follow. Now, we ask ourselves, how in the world can this have a positive side?

Once we have acknowledged that we have the capability within ourselves to mess up our own lives, it becomes easier to recognize situations where we allow our fear to make decisions instead of using our brains and instincts. How many times have your started a new relationship already thinking it will turn out badly? How many times have you tried something new, already imagining the horrible outcomes of failure? And how often does imagining the bad results LEAD to those results instead of helping guide a proactive, rational response to safeguard against the fears? That is the shadow Saboteur at work. Imagining things will turn out the worst from the beginning is to almost certainly doom whatever that is to failure. If your imaginings of failure have enough power to bring about failure, can you imagine what could happen when you visualize POSITIVE outcomes? That is the role of the positive Saboteur. Understanding that you have the capability to sabotage yourself is how you can avoid the situation.

Questions to ask yourself: What fears do I allow to guide my decisions? What happens when those fears control me? Do I agree to things out of fear that I normally would not agree to? What opportunities have I let pass me by because of fear? When we answer those questions, we find a way to connect with our Saboteur. When we acknowledge the Saboteur, a connection is born that helps us identify the times we need to step back, take the emotions out of the situation, and logically think through as many possible outcomes as we can. We can stop envisioning only the worst possibilities. If you follow my blog, I will post a sabotage story for you today. Maybe you will identify with the protagonist’s way of thinking. Maybe you will see something in the actions of the main character that rings true with you, and helps you identify an area of sabotage in your life.

A second positive aspect of the Saboteur is, once you have recognized your Saboteur, that part of yourself helps you recognize when others really DO try to harm you. Let me share a short example with you. I had a relationship once with someone I cared for very much. At the end of the relationship, we tried the whole “let’s stay friends” thing. I think that is wonderful when both people are mature enough to get over the past and recognize the reasons you aren’t together in a romantic/committed relationship anymore. Notice, I said BOTH must be mature enough. LOL! I hear many of your little Saboteurs laughing, “That can NEVER happen!” It can happen, but I would imagine it doesn’t happen often. So, my goddaughter had come to visit me one day not too long after the separation, and my ex-partner had arrived to collect some things to take to his new place.  Not a problem. I had made a roast in the slow cooker. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but my ex kept traipsing through the kitchen while I prepared the roast, asking question about HOW I was doing the cooking. I found the constant questions to be very irritating because this was MY house, MY food, and MY goddaughter for whom I was cooking. However, in the interest of “friendship,” I made not comments and just answered the questions. Later, when it was time for the meal, the ex was still there, so I invited him to eat with us. After all, isn’t that friendly? That’s what I would do for my friends, anyway. The plates were readied, and everyone started eating. My sweet goddaughter complimented the food, then she asked me about a book I was reading. As I began to respond, my “friend” interrupted and commented that the roast was a little dry in one spot.  On his one piece of meat. Then my “friend” proceeded to tell me that I should have done this, that, the other when cooking the roast in order for it to come out perfectly, because that’s what he would have done. I looked at Hana, looked back at my friend, and said, “It’s cooked how I like to cook it, and how I learned to cook it. Mine is moist and flavorful.” This man looked at Hana and asked, “What do you think? Do you think this is dry?” For a moment, three pairs of eyes dashed back and forth between each other. Alex finished his plate and excused himself from the table. Then, Hana said, “We never get food like this at home. I think it’s delicious. I wish someone would cook like this at my house!” My “friend” let the discussion about the food preparation drop. That was the last time he was ever invited to my house. You see, when I saw that person look to the third person at the table for support of his argument, it occurred to me that the discussion wasn’t about the quality of the food or the way it was prepared. That whole line of questioning earlier and dissatisfaction at the table was simple about that person attempting to destroy what had started out to be a very pleasant meal. Instead of enjoying the company and food, it turned into a debate about the quality of the preparation, and the person who prepared it. The appeal to a second person to support his argument was unnecessary, and that’s when I saw the pattern of sabotage that had happened almost daily for quite some time. Yes, I had plenty of times where I messed things up ALL by myself. I’m ashamed about some of the ways I purposefully made my bad relationship into a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I recognized I was doing it, and then I did what I could to stop my OWN destructive actions, all the time thinking I was the only problem. When things didn’t get better, I couldn’t quite figure out why, but I knew I’d had enough. That moment of appeal for support of his opinion that the roast was dry activated the Saboteur inside my head.  We were friends at that point, and I was very confident I hadn’t done anything destructive to the meal. My Saboteur and I pinpointed the act of attempting to win the argument at any cost as a form of sabotage OUTSIDE of myself, one that I couldn’t control, was the recognition I needed to freely walk away from “friendship” that wouldn’t have been true friendship. It would have been sabotage. Understand that I don’t blame the other person. We all have fears that cause us to do things like this. I feel badly for him, that he hasn’t had a chance to connect with his own inner Saboteur. I feel badly, but it’s not my job to fix someone else. And it’s not my obligation to remain around someone who will attempt to destroy who I am. None of us have to put up with that.

You are amazing, unique, and brave. You may have convinced yourself that you aren’t, but I SEE you. Not your clothes, your hair, or your looks. I see YOU – sometimes when you can’t see yourself. You ARE amazing – don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, even your Saboteur.