The Ink and the Judgment

Judgment is a hot topic right now because I’ve seen so many throw this word around during the discussions from this past week’s media reports.  I’ve seen pleas to stop judging and I’ve seen people defend their right to judge as discerning members of a particular belief system.  Ultimately, I can only control my OWN actions pertaining to judgment.  I work in a field where I am paid to make judgment calls about student learning.  In that way, I am not unfamiliar with judgment and how it affects those who receive it.  

Personally, however, I’d like to share a little bit about my experience with judgment.  If you follow my posts, you’ve no doubt noticed that I had a large phoenix tattooed on my left forearm this past week.  I love it!  The artist did a superb job, and the colors are beautiful.  The design is highly symbolic and personal to me, and I’ve encountered so many positive comments about the tattoo from others that I can hardly believe it.  J  That makes me happy because it wasn’t what I expected.  Almost no one has made a negative comment about my ink – those who may not like it have simply reserved judgment, and I appreciate that.  But do you know who has no idea about this phoenix on my forearm?  My mother.  I have two other tattoos that I’ve had for about 10 years – I remember when she first saw them, she just about flipped.  Even today, if I mention something about tattoos, her lip curls in disgust and makes her thoughts about them abundantly clear.  Even now, at age 45, I am anticipating the disgust when she first sees this beautiful ink on my arm that means so much to me.  I shouldn’t let it bother me, I know, but our first interactions are with those who raised us.  

We learn all our social cues and our self-perceptions from the parents who raised us.  When we encounter constant condemnation as children for actions that – in our minds – define who we are, it can turn into a debilitating condition otherwise known as insecurity.  Imagine being consistently told that everything you do that comes naturally to your personality is wrong.  A child doesn’t have to cognitive capability to process that as an impersonal message.  Developmentally, the negative judgment is a highly personal message about who we are.  Yes, children need boundaries.  Yes, there are socially acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.  But wanting to run around outside in the rain, or sleep a little late on a Saturday?  Will those things cause the whole social order to come crashing down?  Condemning a child who is unable to sit still for long to years of pinches on the back of the hand because you don’t want to be embarrassed at church or ________(fill in the blank)?  

Today, I’m not even asking you to think about how your thoughts and actions affect everyone around you.  Let’s start small and close to home.  Consider how your judgment affects those that you deeply care about, your parents, children, siblings, and close friends.  Have you condemned them lately for their actions because YOU don’t approve or them, or those actions make YOU uncomfortable?  I know when my mother finally sees my phoenix, she will have a negative reaction.  In my mind, I’ve prepared already.  I know that she and I will differ on our perceptions about many things in this world – we always have because our personalities happen to be VERY different.  That is a fact I can’t change, but I can change my reaction to her words and actions.  When she judges me for this tattoo, I won’t react in anger.  I’ll probably just make some flippant comment, then move quickly on the another topic of conversation.  But inside, the little girl who always kind of wanted her to like me, will wonder if there is anything I can do of which she will ever approve.  Don’t let your judgment affect someone else that way.  We all have our battles that we fight personally.  Don’t let your friendship or relationship be another battle someone has to fight.  Today, I hope my words and actions uplift those around me, and those with whom I come in contact.